More than a year later, I still think about you often. I still think about that fateful day. The day when everything went wrong. Not just our relationship, but my whole life. That is the exact day the line graph of my life started pointing downwards. I still think about what I could have, and wish I had, done differently. I still think about how different life would be. How much better it would be.
I don't know if you still think of me. I don't know if I ever cross your mind anymore. It seems you're doing well; you're happy. And I'm glad for you.

In some video games, such as RPGs, you start off by selecting your characters stats. For example you're given 30 points to allocate into strength, intelligence, dexterity, luck, etc. And each time you level up you're given an additional number of points. There are often several different classes that benefit from certain stats. For example, a warrior would want more points on strength, and a mage would want more points in intelligence. Sometimes when just starting out, a player will allocate points incorrectly for the class that they end up wanting to be; a mage with excessive strength is useless. I'm these cases, where too many incorrect choices have been made and too much has gone wrong, the best option is usually to just give up on the character and start over. 

That is what I want to do. So much has gone wrong that fixing everything would be too costly and not worth it in the end. There doesn't seem to be any point in trying because the best case scenario is merely mediocre. I wish I could exit and just start all over. 

A part of me died when I let you go

I have been trying to fill the void that you left. With people, with items, with anything. Just to not feel so empty. But nothing, and no one, has been able to make me feel whole again. Because they're not you. The days and months have been long, trying to find something that can replace you. But I can't replace you. You were my only one

Life is fucking crazy, but it's crazier without you

I never thought I'd make it this far without you. It hasn't gotten easier. I don't know if it ever will. I still think about you every day. I still miss you all the time. I miss having you here with me. I miss being able to talk to you and confide in you. I miss having that constant in my life. My world has been falling apart. If you were still here, I think I'd be okay. I'd be able to handle it. But I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do without you. I've been doing my best for the past four months, but I don't think I can anymore.

I've gone through a lot in the past 7 months. I don't expect pity, or sympathy, but it was more than I was ever prepared for, and certainly more than I could handle. With all that I've lost, I needed something to hold onto. And she was there. I fell harder than I should have in the short time we had. I wanted and hoped so badly that it would last. Because I was happy with her. She showed me the light when I was trapped in the darkness.

But it couldn't last. I wanted the sunlight, but she was a candle. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep the fire alive. I think I knew all along that this was the only outcome; that it wouldn't last. I was happy, but it was only temporary. Now I'm alone in the dark again. With the full weight of everything that's happened bearing down on me all at once. No one to hold onto. No one to help me now.

It's so hard to lose someone that you love. But it's so good to love and to have been loved by them.

The last few months of 2015 were brutal for me. I lost my girlfriend, my job, and my best friend. I have reached the lowest point of my life so far; hopefully for the rest of it. Surprisingly, I feel pretty good. Out of the ashes and rubble, I can build a better future for myself. Find someone better, and a job I genuinely enjoy that also pays well. And I think, perhaps, I may have already found one of the two. 

Although I know I will find another girlfriend, and another job, I cannot fill the void inside me left by my dearly departed friend. The only solace I am granted is knowing he lived a long and happy life; that he was loved, and that he loved us. The days have been long, and I don't know if I will ever get used to his physical absence, but he will forever be in my heart.

Walking the roads of our youth

through the land of our childhood, our home, and our truth.

Be near me, guide me.

Always stay beside me so I can be free,  

free. 

Let's roam this place, 

familiar and vast; 

our playground of green frames, our past. 

We were wanderers; 

never lost, always home 

When every place was fenceless 

and time was endless, 

our ways were always the same. 

Cool my demons and walk with me, brother, 

until our roads lead us away from each other, 

and if your heart’s full of sorrow, keep walking, don’t rest, 

and promise me from heart to chest 

to never let your memories die,  

never. 

I will always be alive and by your side. 

In your mind, 

I'm free.